customer service « Read My Blog … Or I’ll Kill Your Dog

“Thank You For Calling …”

August 8, 2008 at 9:47 am (blogs, customer service, humor, writing) (author jody l. campbell, customer service, humor, marketing, phone scripts, retail)

Is is just me or has anyone else called a place of business … as in a retail chain of sorts … or a restaurant … to find out certain information and is received with a bombarding 30 second or more greeting promoting sales that are of no value to you and are unintelligible because the speaker is talking faster than their lips can move? Why are they talking so fast? Because they have a lot to say in their scripted greeting and are most likely embarrassed about the content of the script even though they work there. I don’t want to hear all of this when I call someplace to find out the store hours or if they have a particular item in stock. Everyone reading this knows what I am talking about. Let’s try one out for size, shall we …

“Thanks for calling Mike’s Bikes and Trikes, where our deals on wheels will make you squeal, and 20% off all bicycle accessories for this month only, this is Rupert, how can I help you today?” Okay … that wasn’t really 30 seconds, but it’s certainly a mouthful and if I’m calling just to see if they have bicycle chain oil in stock, I need nothing more than a quick …

“Mike’s Bikes, this is Rupert,” Enough said.

“Have you got bicycle chain oil in stock?”

“We have over thirty two varieties of bicycle chain oil starting as low as $2.99 a quart and lower in viscosity than our premium blend of synthetic bicycle chain oils that range around $49.99 a qu…”

“Rupert?”

“Yes?”

“You’re carrying on again.”

Do you see where I’m getting at with this? And the problem is … we don’t even hear the proper scripted greeting because, first, we’re hoping we’ve dialed the correct number and we’re trying to listen in where the greeter happens to mention the actual location and name of the place. Secondly, they’re talking so fast to get out what they have to say … undoubtedly due to heavy volume of incoming phone calls, having to say the same damn thing over and over again all day, and sheer embarrassment of the scripted greeting; it comes out sounding like this …

“Tanxfercallin Mikesbikestrikes weredealswheelssqueal and 20 centsoff bikesorriesforsmonthly, disRupert, how can I help you today?”

“Um … yeah … is this Mike’s Bikes?”

“That’s what I just said.”

“Um … yeah … okay … sure … if you say so kid.”

The greeter does not take the time to enunciate. It’s that simple. Should they? I don’t think so. I don’t think scripted greetings are pertinent in the world of marketing. With that said, I’m no marketing guru, but I am willing to bet the amount of money in my wallet (relax, my kid most likely swiped it anyway) that anyone reading this can hardly argue the fact with me about this. Has anyone hearing a scripted greeting like this actually been able to understand it and got excited about it to the point where the script actually served a purpose? Oh my gosh! I have to go to Mike’s because they’re having 20% off their accessories for this month only! Anyone? Email me if this is so. I’ll buy you lunch and we can talk. Most likely, don’t be offended, but I’ll be writing about your kind in my next blog entry no doubt.

Now the real question has to be asked. Because … let’s face it … the poor people that have to blurt out these scripted greetings are no more than pawns in the proverbial game of chess … where the corporate executives sit in closed meetings all day drumming up ways to show that they came to work that morning with an idea and their position to the company actually produced something of value. Do they hire marketing companies that show actual results by these scripted phone greetings that if enunciated properly and slowly enough actually do raise sales? I don’t think so. I think it’s more of the “how can we torture the minions today, Al?” approach. “I know … let’s make them say this when they answer the phone!” Evil laughter emanates throughout the boardroom.

The thing they’re missing out on … is the fact that as embarrassing as the phone script sounds to the employee who has to memorize it … you do realize that many are made to attach the greeting to the phones so the would-be employee simply reads the script … like a news broadcaster reads a TelePrompTer … except sound more like a zombie awakening from the deep hallows of their death … when they answer the phone … are working for the exact same company as the self proclaimed genius who came up with the idea of the script to begin with. So it’s embarrassing for the employee, yes. I would like to add that although the genius does not have to answer the phone that way during the course of the day because he or she is in marketing and works at the corporate level … they still have to answer the question; when asked; “Where do you work?” And the answer can not be covered up by saying … ”I work as the Marketing Director of Michael’s Bicycles, and Tricycles.” Everyone knows by now it’s Mike’s Bikes and Trikes, where the deals on wheels will make you squeal, yadda, yadda, yadda. I also challenge anyone who has actually shopped at Mike’s to tell me once when they actually squealed about some deal. Anyone? I’m buying lunch, don’t forget.

Now I’m just picking on Mike’s. It’s actually a fictional place I just made up along with the phone script. The sad thing is … what if there really was a Mike’s Bikes? I could be sued for plagiarism if I stole their sacred phone script. Or worse … given some marketing director and idea of how to seemingly drum up stagnant sales. Eh gad! My sincere apologies go out to all the potential employees I just ruined the otherwise mundane lives of. My point here, is again, me not being a marketing guru, I was able to come up with a scripted phone greeting right here in front of my computer while writing this essay. It’s that simple. And yet, people go to college for this and receive high digit income for their ideas. Now, I’m not competing with these humorous Super Bowl advertisers. That’s true marketing. I’m trying to tell any potential corporate executives this simple fact. Although I am not a marketing guru, I am a customer and I know what I want and what I don’t want. That makes me a valuable source and a potential stock investment to listen up and jot this down in your legal notepad. I do not want to hear a scripted greeting when I call anyplace. I want to hear the name of the place I call and the name of the employee answering the phone. That’s all I need. I know where I called. I called there because I knew. I know why I called and I doubt it has anything to do with your stupid phone script and that stupid phone script is not going to change my mind suddenly about the reason I called. Time is money, you dingalings! How can marketing directors work in a corporate setting along with payroll personnel trying to find ways to trim hours and fall under certain budget guidelines? Hasn’t anyone considered that answering each phone call could be cut down to this …

“Mikes Bikes, this is Rupert.”

“Yes, Rupert. Do you have bike chain oil in stock?”

“Yep.”

“I’ll be right there.” click. I don’t care if it’s on sale. If I was price conscientious, I would have gone to Walmart. If I was a payroll administrator for some major company that needed to trim budgeted dollars down, I’d know right where to start. The marketing department. The whole marketing department. See ya! And thanks for shopping Mike’s Bikes and Trikes … where this deal on wheels is going to make you go find some other place of employment and ruin their business by drumming up ways to torture the minions … as a matter of fact … that’s it! That’s brilliant! Why don’t they just cut out the middle man altogether and make the employees read the scripted phone greetings as thus …

“Thanks for calling Mikes, my name is Rupert and this is the thing my company came up with for me to say to make me take longer telling your where you called so that I can tie up the phone line that much longer, get on my lunch break that much later, not receive my raise and review when it’s due, because sales are down as a result of this form of torture to me … like it’s somehow my fault to begin with … how can I help you?”

“Geesh, Rupert. I had no idea your life was that miserable. I’ll just go to Walmart. At least I know they’re already worse off than you.”

Jody L. Campbell

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The Not So Fast-Food Luncheon

August 6, 2008 at 11:46 am (blogs, customer service, family, fast-food, humor, luncheon) (Burger King, credit cards, customer service, daddy/daughter outing, debit cards, family, fast-food, humor, lunch, McDonalds)

It started out like any ordinary Daddy/Daughter Day. Honestly, I don’t know why we bother to call it that anymore since Mommy comes to lunch with us now. She used to work days and now she works from mid afternoon into early evening. But the name stuck and every day off from work I have that my daughter doesn’t attend her preschool, we call Daddy/Daughter Day and celebrate by having lunch out somewhere together. On that particular Daddy/Daughter Day, things were already taking a strange turn of events. We usually pick between two restaurants, one a sit-down, full-menu, pizza joint and the other, a fast food burger joint… that flame broils. When asked where she wanted to go that day, she opted for the other fast food burger joint that doesn’t flame broil. I immediately grimaced.

“No, Honey,” I said. “Daddy doesn’t want to go there.”

Her four-year-old eyes looked up at me and made the saddest most pleading expression a father could ever stand to see on the face of his children. “Please, please, oh please, Daddy!” she begged.

Who could argue? I’m putty in her hands and the terrible truth is she already knows how to control this.

Now between the two more popular fast food burger joints, I’m not really a fan of either one. I generally opt for the sit down pizza joint with no playzone/playground that distracts my impressionable daughter’s attention away from eating her lunch. This way, I can even have a beer with lunch and coerce her into eating using petty bribery. For example, “I’ll get you a balloon if you’re a good girl and eat all your lunch,” or “We’ll stop and buy a new movie on the way home if you’re a good…” you get the idea. However, because of our geographical situation, we have to travel two towns south to any restaurants, and in that town, one of these burger joints just runs better than the other. Not to mention the quality of the food is a little better… not much, but a little.

The second odd thing that occurred that day was my wife claiming she didn’t think she was going to join us. Sure, I thought to myself. Who could blame her? I gave her an indignant look for her obvious treachery and cowardice. She smiled in return. Uhuh. It’s not hard to distinguish where my daughter gets her intelligence and savvy from. However, by the time I had starting the truck up on that cold winter day, my wife decided… either she felt guilty enough about her abandonment or she was genuinely hungry. I thought she must have been really hungry, on the verge of starvation, considering the option of our destination. Or… really guilty for that matter. So, she went out and started her vehicle. We drive in separate vehicles and she’s already close to her work and can head straight there after lunch, then my daughter and I continue on with the remainder of our ritualistic day together.

Upon arrival, I’m still not coveting the fact we’re where we are, but I browsed my numbered options across the menu board while watching the sole male cashier taking the one person’s order ahead of us. It’s extremely obvious this kid was very uncomfortable doing what he was doing and the fact that he hadn’t been doing it very long is equally apparent. A rotund man standing in what I would consider management garb was standing behind the cashier and making himself look busy in an attempt to ignore the growing line of hard-up lunch incumbents beginning to form behind us. I guess we had actually arrived someplace “on time” for once, but the cashier was still over his head getting the order of the one person in front of us. And for the record, I don’t think that person was ordering for more then himself. Anxiety drained the already pallid color from the poor kid’s face. Now instead of finding the location of the numbered lunch the guy in front of us ordered on the computer keyboard, all he could focus on is how long clearing the line is going to take because everyone behind him is ignoring him. Sad. Finally, the rotund manager turned around without looking at any of us customers about to spend our hard earned dollars in the establishment that he controls, and instead of showing the kid where the button is, just pressed it himself and resumed putting a precarious bag of fries in a take-out bag and handing it to the drive-thru window clerk who appeared just as lost as the cashier. This was not a good choice, I thought to myself, but my daughter is ecstatic looking at the options of cheap and ineffective toys to have placed in her kid’s meal. Some of the simplest forms of entertainment seem to thrill the young and innocent more than any technical toy… that is, until they reach a certain age. So, I should be thankful that she’s not asking me for the more expensive ones at this point and relish the time I have left.

After a couple of minutes, my daughter was getting antsy and the line was still growing and I considered hopping over the counter and finding the button for a medium soft drink for the cashier. My wife whispered into my ear what her choice for lunch was and what to order our daughter and I realized that I was being abandoned once again to face the challenges of ordering fast food all by myself. I looked at her with a degree of my own anxiety and she raised her eyebrows apologetically and said, “She has to go to the bathroom.” Uhuh. Being a woman, she knows full well that the lesser of two evils for a guy is to remain alone in the lunch line and become the next victim of the cashier’s ignorance than it is to take my daughter to the… I can barely even say it… men’s room. I watched them pull away as if I just fell off a cliff and even though they’re the ones that are moving, I felt like I was the one heading for imminent danger.

“Next.” I heard announced. I looked at the kid and he was looking at me, wide-eyed, like I was Ghengis Kahn. I guess I can come off looking a bit intimidating sometimes. I just can’t help it. I ordered my two numbered choices and I’m not so sure it wasn’t the fear of God this kid had over me that seemed to motivate him a little more, but he found them on the keyboard relatively quick. I ordered the kid’s meal with the chocolate milk and while I’m waiting for him to find those buttons, I realized he was already looking at me with confidence building waiting for the next selection. Was he thinking I was easy? Oh yeah, Punk, I thought to myself… how about a fish sandwich on the side? Can you find that? He did.

“Is that all?” he asked with more confidence.

How about I hit you so hard the manager gets a bloody nose? That thought, those words had already formed in my head and were right on the tip of my tongue, but I successfully suppressed them back. The kid had done well. “Yes,” I simply said instead.

“That’ll be blah, blah, blah.” I didn’t listen to the total. I was holding the handy ATM card and waiting for the calculator sized pad to tell me when to swipe my card. When it did, I swiped.